Three

A Crinkly Coriolis
Aurora Borealis
The Meaning of my Dreaming
Who the Fuck is Alice?

The nature of your face, sir
distresses my good taste, sir
and you will lose it
unless you move it
out of the range of all my lasers

Giant Leeches!
Big as Peaches!
They’ll suck you dry,
don’t even try
to run –
they’re fun!
You’ll make more blood.

Phlegm

the creatures of the night
usually put up quite a fight
but if you poke them in the eye
they will often start to cry

those little bastards
in the rafters
of your mind’s lidless sky

but if you’re looking for some kicks
head on down to River Styx
prick your ears up to the wind
and you will hear some kindred
spirits singing something going
like
this:

Phlegm! Phlegm!
Sing “Hey!” for the praises of Phlegm!

it feels so funny
when it’s running
down your throat
into your stomach
but it’s better
when it’s wetter
(why use spit to seal a letter?)

oh, it’s chewy and it’s tasty
just as good as steak-n-gravy

it’s the homemade gum that
lasts for hours: chewing gives you
oral powers

Phlegm: it cures what ails you!
Phlegm is Nature’s mouth-glue!

and

if you really liked your friends then
you would share your Phlegm with them
and they would love you till your end:

Suffocation via Snot
(we think you’ll like it quite a lot!)

Snort it Down!
Hack it Up!
Spit it Out!
That’s what Phlegm is all about!

marvel as it flies
past your lips
onto the thighs
of smiling passers-by
(smiling for one simple reason…your personal secretion!)

so when you’re feeling down and out
with all your might let loose a spout
(until the demons kick you out)

Phlegm.

Book: Shamus in the Green Room

I got this one because I’ve been getting into Hammett lately and this story is sort of about him. Sort of. The main character is a biographer of dead myster writers and in this installment she’s just published one of Hammett. I guess there are other books in the series featuring other dead mystery writers. I don’t think I will be reading them.

It’s somewhat entertaining but the writing isn’t all that good. There are so many name brands mentioned I have to wonder if the author is getting paid for advertising.

Chain Letter

I got a chain letter in my spam queue. I fixed it up. Made it better. I had the technology.

This was sent to me from an 11 year old girl. It really is beautiful. Really. I especially like #4, 9, 22 and 24. I need a little luck in my life now, as I’ve run into a bad streak playing the ponies. Please pass it onto others.

Love, Dave
______

This Tantra Totem has been sent to you for good luck. It has been sent around the world exactly one million times so far. You will receive good luck and/or ice cream within four days of relaying this Tantra Totem. Send copies to people you think need good luck and/or ice cream. Don’t send money as fate has no price, although ice cream can cost a pretty penny these days. Do not keep this message unless you want to.

The Tantra Totem must leave your hands in 96 hours. Send copies and see what happens in four days (that’s 96 hours for the lay people out there). You will get a very pleasant surprise. Or maybe you won’t, I don’t know. I’m just an 11 year old girl, what the hell do you want?

INSTRUCTIONS FOR LIFE
1. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully, even if you hate them.
2. Memorize your favorite poem and repeat it out loud at all times.
3. Don’t believe all you hear, spend all you have, sleep all you want, or smoke all your crack.
4. When you say, “I love you”, mean it, unless it’s not true and you want to fool the other person.
5. When you say, “I’m sorry”, look the person in the eye and dare them to make your day.
6. Be engaged at least six months before you get married, unless you’re pregnant or your visa is running out.
7. Believe in love at first sight. All that crap about beauty being skin deep is nonsense.
8. Never laugh at anyone’s dreams, unless their dreams are really stupid.
9. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it’s the only way to live life completely. I should know, I am an 11 year old girl.
10. In disagreements, fight fairly until you start to lose.
11. Don’t judge people by their relatives. Judge them by how stupid they are themselves.
12. Talk slowly, stutter a lot, and pretend you can’t hear what the other person is saying.
13. When someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer, smile and say, “You must be awfully dumb not to know that.”
14. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk of sexually transmitted diseases.
15. Call your mum. Pretend you’re English. Mum’s love that.
16. Say “bless you” when you hear someone sneeze, even if they’re on television.
17. When you lose, don’t lose the lesson. Of course, if the lesson is what you lost to begin with, that doesn’t apply.
18. Remember the three R’s: Redi-Whip non-dairy topping; Rutabagas; Rosicrucians.
19. If you can’t laugh at yourself, you can always laugh at other people.
20. When you realize you’ve made a mistake, quickly hide the evidence and roundly deny everything.
21. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice, assuming it’s one of those futuristic TV phones.
22. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. Remember that rich people usually make the best conversationalists.
23. Spend some time alone, plotting.
24. Open your arms to change, but don’t let go of your values, because you might drop them on your foot. Values are often heavy and you could end up hurting yourself.
25. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer, especially when the question was silence as well.
26. Read more books with pictures and watch less public television.
27. Live a good, honorable life. Then, when you get older, you can get away with anything because people won’t suspect you.
28. Trust in God but lock your car if you own a model that God really likes.
29. A loving atmosphere at home is so important. If your home isn’t tranquil, hang out in one that is.
30. In disagreements with loved ones, put them off guard by dredging up dirt from their past. Go for the jugular! You want to win, don’t you?
31. Read between the lines. There are tiny messages written there from extra-terrestrials. They tell me to do things. Bad things.
32. Share your knowledge. It won’t take long.
33. Be gentle with the earth, but firm with the sky.
34. Pray. It won’t do anything, but it makes you look all spiritual and stuff.
35. Never interrupt when you are being pleasured orally.
36. Mind your own business or I will kick your ass.
37. Don’t trust a man/woman who doesn’t close his/her eyes when you kiss. This does not apply if that person has no eyelids.
38. Once a year, go to a busy street corner and shout proclamations to the passers-by. Don’t stop until the police come.
39. If you make a lot of money, put it to use helping others while you are living. Many people can take comfort by watching you live a lavish, pampered lifestyle.
40. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a stroke of luck, but that is very rare. Usually it just sucks.
41. Learn the rules then break some. But don’t blame me when you go to jail.
42. Remember that the best relationship is one where your love for each other is greater than your need for each other and where you have sex, like, all the time.
43. Judge your success by how many people you had to crush in order to get it. (More is better)
44. Remember that your character is your destiny. Or your future. Or maybe just your fate. Fuck, I don’t know.
45. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon, but always use protection when you eat shellfish.

Now, here’s the FUN part, although I’m using ‘FUN’ pretty loosely here.

Send this message to at least 5,000 people and your life will improve.

0-4,999 people: You will grow horrible boils all over your body.
5,000-9,000 people: Your life will improve and animals will love you.
9,000-14,999 people: You will have at least 5 surprises and/or orgasms in the next 3 weeks.
15,000 and above: You will ascend to Nirvana on a rainbow-colored escalator. The people of the world will make statues of you and sing your praises. You will get free Internet access.